In Her Father's Own Words
by Positron Weapon D
Summary: Marie experiences a shock one evening when her polite and well-behaved five-year-old daughter lets a four-letter word slip. She and Darwin are then tasked with explaining to their darling little Lessica the concept of bad words, as well as discovering where she might have learned this one. Darwin x Marie. Rated for language and implied sexual content.


It happened so suddenly one evening that Marie almost couldn't believe it _had_ happened. She wasn't sure if she had heard correctly, at first...but as it sunk in, she found that she couldn't deny it. Darwin was making dinner that night, so Marie was helping Lessica tidy up the usual mess of books on her bedroom floor.

"You sure do love to look at books, don't you, Lessica?" Marie asked, picking several up off the floor.

"Yes, I do," Lessica replied, in her typical, formal way...a way that was atypical for children her age, though. She gathered some up in her little arms, and Marie watched her carefully.

"Sweetie, that might be a few too many," she said.

However, her words came too late. Lessica was unable to see her feet as she carried the stack of books, and thus, she was unable to see that one was right in her way. It happened so quickly that Marie couldn't stop it...Lessica tripped and started to fall forward. In the process, she let go of the stack of books that she was carrying so that she could catch herself.

She didn't cry when she landed...a few years ago, she might have, but Lessica was a strong child. Even so, Marie needed to ask if she was okay.

Before she could do so, though, Lessica said something shocking. The word itself was brief, only four letters long, and Marie wasn't sure if she'd heard correctly. As she realized that she had, in fact, heard correctly, her jaw dropped and her eyes widened.

Her sweet, angelic daughter, her gentle and polite little girl, had just uttered her first profanity...and it was a bad one.

The fact that Lessica didn't look up at her mother with a guilty expression indicated that she probably didn't understand the gravity of what she'd just said. From everything Marie had read, reacting strongly to a child's first use of adult language could often result in repeat offenses...so she kept calm.

At the same time, though, she needed to speak to Darwin immediately. The only time Marie engaged in the use of such language was when she was bringing her beloved daughter into the world, but Darwin wasn't quite as squeaky clean. Not only that, but he might also have an idea as to how to handle this situation.

"Lessica, sweetie?" Marie said, continuing to look and sound perfectly calm. "I just remembered I need to talk to Daddy about something...do you think you can finish picking up on your own?"

Lessica nodded. "Yes, Mommy. I will do my best."

"That's great..." Marie bent down to give her a kiss on the head. "Thank you...and dinner should be ready soon, too."

With that, she hurried down the stairs to the kitchen, where Darwin was putting the finishing touches on dinner.

He noticed her there right away. "Hey, did you and Lessica finish up?" He paused as he took a better look at her. "Uh...you look upset. Did something happen?"

"You'll never guess what our sweet little girl just said, Darwin," Marie replied simply.

"Um...I don't know..." He thought it over then after a moment, he looked at her with shock and concern. "Did she say she isn't hungry or something?!"

"Darwin, I'm being serious!"

"Well, so am I...but it's hard to imagine Lessica saying anything bad. She's such a good kid!" He went back to sautéing some vegetables in a pan on the stove.

"She is..." Marie sighed. "Darwin, she...said a very bad word. A four-letter one...that starts with F."

Darwin nearly dropped the cooking implement in his hand. "W-What?! Are you sure you heard right?!"

Marie nodded. "I'm positive, Darwin. She tripped and dropped a bunch of books, and that word came out of her mouth."

"Huh...well, at least she's using it correctly..." Marie glared at him, and he very quickly changed his tune. "I'm kidding, Marie! She shouldn't be saying it at all. She's five years old, for crying out loud..."

"Precisely. Now, where do you think she learned a word like that?"

"Not from me. I'm always really careful with what I say around her. I wouldn't let one like _that_ slip."

"I figured as much..." Marie sighed once again.

"And I know she didn't learn it from you. Unless...she was somehow able to remember a few of the things you said to me while she was making her way into the world."

Marie couldn't help but laugh a little. "I still feel terrible about that, you know!"

"Water under the bridge...my feelings weren't hurt." Darwin smiled. "Besides, I believe there were a few instances where you said it felt like your body was going to tear in half, and I think that sort of agony probably deserves a few expletives."

"Ugh...I suppose it does..." She laughed again, thinking back to that day, before looking back up at Darwin again. "Though it was hardly fair...you didn't leave my side even once, and you held my hand for almost the entire thing."

That time, Darwin laughed, his cheeks turning slightly pink as they gazed at each other. However, he awkwardly cleared his throat after a moment and went back to cooking. Marie also realized she ought to return to the topic at hand.

"So what should we do?" she asked him. "I'm reluctant to tell her it's a bad word and that she shouldn't repeat it ever again. They say that when kids get told that, they're more likely to develop a habit of swearing."

"Yeah, but this is Lessica we're talking about," Darwin said. "The only child on the entire planet who, at three years old, threatened to throw a fit and didn't - or maybe couldn't - actually have one."

Marie smiled. "I remember that! It was so strange...she just kept pacing around looking angry. It was like she didn't know how!"

"You would think that being told she couldn't have dessert before dinner would be the perfect catalyst for that," Darwin said. "But anyway, I don't think she'd be inclined to start swearing more simply because we told her not to."

"You're probably right about that," Marie said. "Not to mention she'll be starting school soon enough...if she doesn't know that she shouldn't be using that kind of language at school, she could very well use it, but still get in trouble! And if other kids overhear, they could tell their parents and their classmates, and-"

"Our daughter won't be invited anywhere, ever," Darwin finished. "Parents will say, 'Now you stay away from that Lessica Allecker, she has a mouth like a sailor! Her mother is trained in the dark arts, and her father is a cold blooded professional murderer who will kill anyone if you pay him enough!'"

"The dark arts?!" Marie protested. "My studies mostly involved powerful healing magic, and even the attack spells I've mastered hardly went into anything dark in nature! And who in their right mind would say that about you?!"

"I don't know, a paranoid mom whose favorite hobby is spreading rumors?" Darwin replied. "Anyway, I think it's obvious what we have to do now."

"Yeah...we have to tell her that what she said was a bad word."

"I agree. And let's ask her where she learned it, too. That way, we can figure out the source of it."

"Good idea," Marie said. "Though I still can't imagine where she learned it."

"Well, we can find out soon enough. Dinner's ready."

"Oh! Perfect timing!" Marie laughed. "I'll call her downstairs, and..." She smiled, looking in the doorway to see their enormous family dog, Bartholomew, standing there and drooling on the floor. He knew he wasn't allowed to pester anyone while they were making dinner, but he was clearly ready for his. "Aww, is mama's baby hungry? Barty wants his dindins, doesn't he?" She walked over and kissed him on the muzzle, and Darwin sighed.

"Lessica, dinner's ready!" he called up the stairs.

Once Marie had given Barty his dinner, and Darwin had distributed the humans' dinner onto plates, Lessica arrived at the table...though her behavior was certainly odd, at least more so than usual.

She was holding her mouth wide open with both of her hands. Her right arm curled up and around her head and held her front teeth, while her left arm wasn't stretched quite as much in order to hold her bottom jaw.

Both Darwin and Marie stared for a moment before either one of them said anything.

"Uh...Lessica..." Darwin started out. "What exactly are you...trying to do...?"

"I'h hahihing heing a hahe," Lessica replied, still not letting go of her jaws.

Marie smiled. "Lessica, it isn't polite to have your hands in your mouth at the table. We also can't understand what you're saying when you talk like that."

Immediately, Lessica let go. "I said I am practicing being a snake."

Well, that was a new one. Marie wasn't entirely sure of how to respond, but it was obvious that Darwin was even less sure.

"Practicing...being a snake...?" he repeated.

"Yes," Lessica said with a nod. "I read in a book that snakes can open their mouths soooo wide..." She gestured with her arms to indicate just how wide a snake could open its mouth. "So that they can eat bigger things. And then the thing they ate stays in their tummy and makes a shape there. If I practice being a snake, I think I might be able to eat all of my dinner in one bite, but I do not think it is big enough to make a shape in my tummy."

Darwin and Marie looked at each other for a moment, and then back at Lessica. She sure did come up with some strange ideas...but her bizarre creativity was just one part of what made her so special to them.

Marie tried to think of how to best handle this new idea of hers. "Well, sweetie...just because you hold your mouth open for as long as you can...that won't make it stay that way."

Lessica looked disappointed. "It won't?"

Marie offered her an apologetic smile and shook her head. "No...the thing is, snakes and humans are different creatures, and different creatures have to change in different ways in order to survive. So at some point, a very long time ago, snakes figured out that in order to survive, they needed to be able to make their mouths open really wide in order to eat certain animals." She looked at Lessica to determine whether or not she was still listening. Surprisingly, she was. "So for a long time...probably thousands of years...snakes developed the ability to actually detach their jawbones from the rest of their heads and then put them back later, so that they could eat animals even bigger than their heads! Scientists call that adaptation."

"Adaptation..." Lessica repeated. "So if I practice making my mouth stay open for a very long time, could I also get an adaptation?"

Once again, Marie was the bearer of bad news. "No...it doesn't work that way. Adaptation like that only happens when a living thing needs to change something in order to survive." She thought of something to better help Lessica understand. "Think about some of your favorite foods. How do you eat them?"

"How?" Lessica asked. "Well...for a plum..." She replicated the actions of picking up a plum, bringing it up to her mouth, and taking a bite. Her face lit up in understanding shortly after. "I see now! Snakes do not have hands, and I do!"

Marie smiled. "That's right! So as long as you have hands, you don't need to open your mouth like a snake!"

Darwin chimed in at long last. "Also, snakes don't get to eat things like plums and chocolate cake. Lots of rats and mice. I don't know about you, but I'd take plums and chocolate cake over rodents any day."

Lessica wrinkled her nose. "Eating rats and mice sounds terrible. I prefer food meant for people."

"I think we can all agree on that," Marie said. "Now, would you mind washing your hands again, Lessica? They were in your mouth, if you recall."

"Okay, Mommy," Lessica said. Almost immediately, she went off to go do what she was told.

"That was quite a lesson, there," Darwin said. "You didn't forget about the other thing, did you?"

Marie sighed. "Of course I didn't forget. I just saw an opportunity for her to learn something, and I made use of it!"

"She'll be ahead of her classmates soon enough," Darwin said. "Let's just hope we can get the language situation cleared up so she's not teaching the other kids at school anything they _shouldn't_ be learning."

After a while, Lessica returned to the table and sat down. She thanked her father for cooking, and she started to eat. At the same time, Marie was running through ways to breach the topic of Lessica's colorful language in her head.

"Lessica..." she said finally. "You know that Daddy and I love you, and that we always will love you no matter what, right?"

Lessica smiled and nodded, only speaking after she was finished chewing her food. "Yes, I do know that. It makes me happy!"

"That's good to hear!" Marie told her. "So, earlier, do you remember how we were picking up things in your room?" Lessica nodded.

"I heard about it from Mommy," Darwin said. "You fell down while carrying some books, didn't you?"

Lessica nodded again. "I did. But I wasn't hurt. I was angry with myself for falling because I had to pick them up again. I should have listened to Mommy...she said I was carrying too many."

"It's all right, Lessica," Marie said. "As long as you learned from it. That's part of a mommy or a daddy's job...to teach their child. That reminds me, though..." She took a deep breath. "You...said something when you fell down, isn't that right?"

"Something?" Lessica repeated.

"Yes, it was just one word," Marie said. "I don't think I'd ever heard you say it before. What was it again?"

"Hmm..." Lessica thought it over for a moment. "It was..."

Marie braced herself to hear it again, trying not to let her distress show as the word in question came out of her daughter's mouth.

"It was, 'fuck.'"

Clearly, Marie ought to have been watching Darwin instead, as he had chosen a rather inopportune moment to take a bite of his food, and he was now coughing. Lessica's expression immediately showed concern.

"Daddy? Are you all right?"

Darwin nodded as he attempted to recover. "...Uh, y-yeah Lessica, I'm fine...I just...wow..."

Darwin's coughing eventually subsided, and Lessica resumed eating again. Marie decided to continue the language discussion.

"So, Lessica, about that..." she said. "You know how there are nice words and not-so-nice words, right?"

Lessica nodded. "'Chocolate' is a nice word, and 'mommy' and 'daddy' are nice words. Not nice words are things like 'stupid,' 'sour,' and 'I hate you.'"

"Um...yes, that's right," Marie said. "But...there are some words that are just...bad words. They're words that nice little girls and boys shouldn't say. Adults really shouldn't say them either! And...that word you said when you dropped your books...that's one of those bad words."

Lessica's eyes widened, and her expression turned to one of utter shock. "So I...?" Her gray-green eyes started to fill with tears. "I-I didn't mean to say a bad word...I'm so sorry...! Does this mean...I'm not a nice little girl anymore?"

Before Marie could even think to get some reassuring words out, Darwin spoke up.

"It doesn't mean that at all, Lessica," he said. "You didn't know that it was a bad word, because nobody ever told you that it was. But now you know, so you won't say it anymore, right?" Lessica nodded and rubbed at her eyes. "Good. That's all we wanted to make sure of."

"Okay..." Lessica said. "I won't say that bad word anymore."

"We did have one other question, sweetie," Marie said quickly. "Where on earth did you hear it in the first place?" At that moment, Lessica fell silent and looked away. "What's wrong, Lessica?"

"The person I learned it from won't be in trouble if I tell, will they?"

Marie blinked, and she thought it over for a bit. But then, she smiled and shook her head. "Of course not...nobody's in trouble here, nor will they be."

For a moment, Lessica hesitated, but then, she spoke up again. Her words were shocking to Marie...but at the same time, she didn't quite know why she didn't suspect it in the first place.

"Daddy and Orlando were practicing with swords..."

Almost immediately after, Darwin stood up, muttering something about dishes, but Marie grabbed him by the wrist and stared right into his eyes.

"Oh no, my sweet husband. We _both_ wanted to hear about this, remember?" He very slowly sat back down, but Marie still didn't let go of him. She eventually turned back to Lessica. "Lessica, Daddy and Orlando must have said _a lot_ of things when they were practicing with swords, right?"

"Right," she said. "They said a lot of words I didn't know, especially when they hit each other."

"I thought so," Marie said. "Why don't you tell me everything that you remember hearing? That way, I can go through and make sure they didn't say any other bad words!"

Lessica smiled. "Okay, then I will...it was during a time where I was supposed to be sleeping, and I was, but they yell a lot when they use even pretend swords."

"Yes, I believe it," Marie said, sighing heavily. "Those two have always been _quite_ loud while they're training!"

"Orlando said that F word first," Lessica told her. "That was when Daddy hit him in the ribs with his sword. He said, 'F word, Darwin, that hurt like a son of a bitch!' Except he said the actual word."

At first, Marie wanted to laugh at Lessica's impression of her uncle, but then another profanity left her daughter's mouth.

"R-Right, I did understand that..." Marie said. "The last word, though, that started with the letter B, that's another bad word."

"I see," Lessica said. "So Daddy started laughing when Orlando got mad, then Orlando used that chance to get him back. He ran at him and made a slash with both hands, so then Daddy got mad. He said, 'Ow, Orlando, damn it! That stung like a motherfucker!'"

Marie turned her attention to Darwin, her mouth hanging open in surprise. In response, he scowled.

"Clearly you've never taken a hit like that," he said. "Because then, you'd know that it stings like...what I said!"

Marie turned back to Lessica. "All right, Daddy said _two_ bad words that time! The D word he said is bad, and then the last thing, what he said it stung like?" Lessica nodded attentively. "Did you notice how that one had the bad F word in it? That means the whole thing is a bad word. Once you combine a normal word with a bad word, the whole thing becomes a bad word."

"So is 'mother' a bad word?" Lessica asked.

"Not by itself," Marie assured her. "Only when you combine it with that bad F word."

Lessica furrowed her brow. "This is confusing..."

"Yes, in more ways than just one..." Marie said, glancing over at Darwin again. "Now, what happened next?"

"Um..." She thought it over, taking a bite of her dinner. "Oh! And then Orlando told Daddy, 'Don't be such a whiny little pissbaby!' And Daddy said, 'Sorry, asshole, it kind of hurt!'" She paused. "It did not sound like he was sorry."

"I don't think he was," Marie told her. "But the last thing Orlando said there, and then that A word Daddy used...those are more examples of how combining a normal word with a bad word makes the whole thing into a bad word."

"So there could be endless ways to make bad words..." Lessica said. "I had no idea..." She looked at Marie again. "Oh, but for a while, they mostly didn't talk. There was one time, though..."

"Yes, what happened?" Marie asked.

"Daddy was dodging many of Orlando's attacks," Lessica said. "So Orlando said, 'What, afraid you might get hit? Quit being such a pussy!'"

Marie clasped her hands over her mouth, her face turning red and her eyes widening. She had certainly heard that word out of Orlando's mouth on a few occasions, but hearing it from her five-year-old? That was a bit more than she could handle.

"That...that word that Orlando told Daddy to quit being..." Marie said quietly, once she'd recovered from the shock of it. "That is a... _really_ not nice word."

"I am sorry," Lessica told her.

"It's all right," Marie assured her. "Now, what sort of brilliant response did Daddy come up with?"

"I did not really understand it," Lessica said. "But it made Orlando really angry. He said, 'Well, you know what they say: you are what you eat!'"

Marie's face heated up and reddened even more than it did before, and her jaw dropped. She looked over at Darwin, who seemed to be having the same problem, though it was hard to say for certain. His hands were covering his face, but he only did that when he was beyond mortified.

"Did that part have a bad word too?" Lessica asked.

"Not...exactly..." Marie said. She wasn't sure how to go about explaining why she was so astonished to hear that. Luckily, she did have another way to deal with that, even if it was a little bit mean. "Darwin, why don't you explain? Since you were the one who said it, after all."

Darwin looked as though he wanted to protest, but that lasted only a second. He obviously knew that this whole mess was at least partially his fault. "Well, um...Lessica, I don't do anything that Mommy doesn't like, but for an older brother to hear that his little sister is-"

"Darwin!" Marie quickly cut him off before he could say anything else. Maybe leaving that bit of explanation to him had been a mistake after all...

"R-Right! Um..." He took a deep breath. "S-So that word Orlando said...when someone talks about eating...that...they're referring to the sort of thing that, uh...that one doesn't usually talk about in civilized conversation."

"Oh..." Lessica said. "But then why did you talk about it, Daddy? Are you uncivilized?"

"I..." He trailed off, obviously searching his mind for an answer. "I-I was only saying it to make Orlando angry! When he gets mad enough, his swordsmanship can get sloppy. It's always good to know your opponent's weakness."

Marie was relieved...that was a pretty good answer, especially considering Darwin did have a tendency to panic when forced to make up an excuse on the spot. However, it became apparent that her relief was premature.

"I see," Lessica told him. "But Daddy, do you ever actually eat that thing he called you?"

"Uh...often enough, I guess..."

"Darwin!" Marie couldn't believe what she was hearing. Even though Lessica didn't know what it meant, he still didn't need to be saying it!

"Have I ever seen you eat it, Daddy?" Lessica asked.

"No, you haven't," he said. "Because it usually only happens well after your bedtime, and behind closed doors. Although back before you were born, it happened anywhere in the house your Mommy wanted it to, and there were definitely a handful of times where I did it outs- _ow,_ Marie!"

She had been trying to get him to stop talking for several seconds before she resorted to stepping on his foot under the table so Lessica couldn't see, and that obviously had managed to get his attention.

She glared over at him again. "That was _entirely_ too much information, Darwin!"

"Right. Sorry...I-I kind of freaked out for a second there..."

"Daddy is not in trouble, is he?" Lessica asked, the concern in her eyes very apparent.

Marie was annoyed, of course, but she wasn't truly angry with Darwin...so she smiled at Lessica and told her as much. "No, my sweet girl. Daddy's not in trouble. But...go ahead and tell me the rest of what happened."

Lessica obliged, and the need for damage control became more and more apparent the more she talked, and Darwin was clearly quite uncomfortable. Marie was embarrassed to find that there were variations on certain profanities that she'd never even heard before.

Much later that evening, Marie used the time while Darwin was putting Lessica to bed to get some reading done in the master bedroom. She was still in shock...how did Darwin have such a filthy mouth without her knowing? As the bedroom door opened, she scowled, holding the book a bit closer to her face. When he sat down on the bed next to her, though, she couldn't help but pay attention to him.

"I promise," he started off. "I really, _really_ had no idea she was listening in..."

Marie closed the book and set it down on her nightstand. "You are...what you _eat_..."

"Uh...w-what about it?"

"You told my _brother_ that you eat-"

"I-It really was just to make him mad!" Darwin told her. "And you have to admit, that was a pretty good response, especially when you think about the fact that I was dodging two blades at a time!"

"Fine, it was clever, but Darwin..." She frowned. "How did you get such an...extensive vocabulary, anyway?!"

He blinked. " _That's_ what you want to know...?"

"Well...yes, kind of!"

He smiled. "I guess...mercenaries just tend to be rough around the edges, and that goes for their language, too..."

"Ugh..."

"Hey, come on, Marie...I really am sorry!"

She turned to look at him again. He certainly looked sorry...and Darwin's expressions were almost always a dead giveaway as to his true intentions. And even though she didn't want to admit it...she did have a rather enjoyable idea. So, she leaned forward and kissed him gently. "Fine, I forgive you...but only because Lessica said not to be angry with Daddy..." She pressed another kiss against his lips. "And how could I be angry with someone so sweet and honest, and so good-looking...?"

His cheeks turned pink, and she smirked. "M-Marie?"

"Quiet, now. Lessica's only just gone to bed. But, I wonder...?" She climbed into his lap and caressed his cheek. "I wonder what other sorts of filthy things you can do with that mouth of yours?"

He raised his eyebrows, looping his arms around her waist. "Well...I have been known to eat-"

She quickly placed her index finger over his lips and looked directly into his eyes. Though there was a playful smile on her lips, she wanted him to be quite certain that she was serious about what she was about to say.

"I've given you a nice chance here, Darwin. Don't ruin it for yourself."

* * *

A.N.: Ooh, looks like Daddy's dirty mouth is gonna get put to good use on Mommy~

Haha, but I've always had this headcanon that Marie doesn't use profanity, the only exception to this occurring when she was in labor, but hey, can you really blame her? She never did try to monitor what the boys were saying, but I'd imagine that once Orlando (because you KNOW it was Orlando) busted out the anatomical slang, she did attempt to put a stop to it. After this, though...I get the feeling she was maybe a bit more diligent as far as regulating what the boys could say around her daughter!

Let me know what you think if you're so inclined!


End file.
